The Story of my life

This is the story of a mother who has been tested time and time again, and keeps on getting up. She shares her story with us; I thank her for her trust - Petro

Hi. My name is Charlene. I am an addict. I have been an addict on and off for a period of nearly 19 years.

This is the story of my life… I was born December 1966. During my early childhood we moved several times between the old Transvaal and Cape Province. I was the only child for eight years, spoilt rotten. The birth of first my brother and then a year later my sister came as a huge shock. Suddenly I was not the center of attention anymore and I saw them as imposters. I hated both of them and was terribly jealous of both.

My early childhood wasn’t bad. Both my parents worked and we were taken care of by grandmothers and housemaids. I do remember the parties and card evenings my parents use to have and attend. Everyone was drinking and partying except my dad. I used to find brandy bottles hidden in cupboards and drawers, wondering what it was doing there. At the age of nine I was sexually molested which, in hindsight, changed my life completely. This I only recollected during my first time in rehab through a meditation session – I blocked it out completely. As I couldn’t tell anyone about it, I withdrew into my own world and became a total loner. Most of my time was spent in my own bedroom with my new found best friends – books! Real friends did not interest me at all. At the same time I stuffed myself with food. I resented myself and I hated the opposite sex.

Beginning of 1980 we relocated to Somerset West in the Cape, where I went to high school, not having many friends. Everything about me was average or non-existent. Coming from a very conservative family didn’t help much. At the age of 16 I was diagnosed with a spastic colon. I had to go on a special healthy diet to lose weight and needed to relax as my strive for perfectionism was making me ill. Food had become my comfort against the world. It helped in making me unattractive to anyone. I started to lose weight, followed an exercise programme and suddenly started to enjoy life. Turning 17 I was again molested by a friend’s father and once more I couldn’t tell anyone as he was a public figure. Feeling extremely hurt, angry, depressed and helpless I started eating again. This was also only recollected at my first time in rehab. In hindsight that once again changed a few people’s lives in a negative way.

Before I could do too much damage I met my husband-to-be, Stephan, in Matric. Together with his lifelong friends I suddenly felt I belong. For the first time I was really happy and satisfied and had real friends. I went from a withdrawn academic teenager to a socialite. We never experimented with drugs but did discover sparkling wine and would create a celebration to open a bottle. Stephan and I started going steady but I really avoided any physical contact basically with anyone because I couldn’t handle anyone close to me. Trust was a big issue and I had a terrible fear of getting hurt. He didn’t give up, though, and we’ve been together for 24 years, of which more than 18 years of married life.

After school I tried studying to become a teacher but gave up after three months. Stephan was in the army for two years and I moved in and out of my parents’ home as I was working at the local municipality for two years. During this time I started and stopped smoking and did do some pub crawling with friends. At the age of 21 I started my studies in Public Relations at the then called Cape Technikon. Once again my drive for perfection drove me to be the best in everything I did – top student, member of the student council, newspaper editor, chairperson of a political youth committee, studying and being involved in a serious relationship. During my second year I started suffering from bad migraines and was constantly tired. Because I was so busy I drank a “slimming mixture” and pills like Thinz to keep me going. I felt in control, filled with self confidence. For the migraines I drank Syndols, a strong painkiller with codeine. Suddenly I became quite anxious and aggressive at times. My GP diagnosed me with “aggressive depression” and I needed to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Anti-depressants and a light tranquiliser were prescribed. My control was back and I rushed forward. The migraines intensified and I felt at times plainly to drop everything and get away from all my responsibilities. At first my migraines were treated with Migril and “normal” painkillers. When that stopped “helping” I received my first pethidine injection which put me on another planet while stopping the pain. Pethidine became a constant in my life. 1990 was chaotic. I worked and studied at the same time, got married in April and organized two international conferences. Chronic fatigue and migraines led to more pethidine injections and pain-killers, mainly containing codeine. In June 1990 I collapsed totally. Chronic fatigue, no concentration at all, muscle spasms, headaches, no appetite – all these led me from doctor to doctor. Finally I was diagnosed with yuppyflu or the chronic fatigue syndrome. Sent home with bags of pills – so called vitamins and immune boosters. Ephidrine to get me going, anti-depressants and tranquilisers to bring me down. I had to quit my job and studies and just be. For at least six months to a year. This made me feel like a total failure – once more I didn’t finish something. We were just married for three months and confusion and frustration were our bedmates. Pethidine injections had become even more regular but I never realized I was feeding an addiction as I truly was never warned by anyone about prescribed medicines.

Our first daughter, Anja, was born in March 1992, and Heike in March 1994. During both my pregnancies I was extremely healthy because I did not use any chemical substance, not even coffee! But a baby and a two year old can become a handful, and pethidine and painkillers were back in my life. My gallbladder was removed shortly after Heike was born. Myprodol was my new best friend. By the end of 1994 I was tired and frustrated as my health never improved. Blaming it on the kids I kept on playing the victim. We went on a family holiday but I was always tired and went to bed with a glass of wine and one or two sleeping pills. My husband, our daughters and my in-laws were permanently annoyed with me. After the holiday my abuse fluctuated and there were real good times when I didn’t use. In April 1996 I was stil on anti-depressants and Myprodol for flu (which in hindsight was withdrawal). One Saturday evening I dropped of something at a friend’s house and had two brandy’s & Coke. I decided to take a detour home and went to a pub. Knowing that Stephan and the kids were waiting at home. At the pub I had a couple of tequilas and some wine. I felt dizzy, went outside and had a blackout. When I came by my brother and brother-in-law were leading me to their car. Stephan phoned them to find me. At home it slowly became clear to me what I had done. I felt ashamed and very guilty. Stephan was hurt and furious and felt betrayed, together with the shame to send someone to find me. We had a terrible fight the next morning, I admitted I was wrong and promised “never again”. It was hard to face my kids but fortunately they were too young to under-stand anything, or so I thought.

My abuse of pethidine kept me going. I was annually treated for so-called depression while I was actually withdrawing. These hospital stays abrupt my family life totally. It also drained us financially and we were permanently in debt. My family were always there to catch me when I fell and that actually enabled me to stay addicted. I did some work from home to contribute financially to the household but it only helped to feed my addiction and keep everything secret. In May 1998 I had a hysterectomy and the pethidine addiction was back. My GP suggested that I might have a problem but the need for drugs was so much bigger. Stealing from friends and family was the next step. I got caught out and was sent to my first rehabilitation center, Ramot, on the day our oldest daughter started school. The hurt and questions in those big green eyes still haunts me. Feelings of failure and shame and guilt were engraved in me when I realized how much I had hurt my family. My whole family was ashamed because of my actions, very angry at me for doing this to myself and especially my two daughters. My stay in Ramot was a very emotional time for my daughters, 4 and 6 at that stage. By now they knew something was wrong with Mommy but they just wanted me back home. I had to work hard on regaining trust. People were very withdrawn and I lost quite a few friends. I got a part time job at the local Fire Station and suddenly felt guilty because I was not at home, available for my kids – how ironic!

In 2000 I was given 11 ECT’s (electric shock treatments) as my psychiatrist of nearly 10 years still believed I was suffering from depression and not addiction. May 2000 I had slipped back into my pethidine and tranquilisers/sleeping pill addiction. Some doctors and pharmacists were my “pushers”. I got a blackout while driving after receiving two pethidine injections from two different doctors within half an hour. Fortunately nobody got hurt but my car was a total wreck. I blamed my “responsible” job and resigned immediately which put more pressure on our finances. The truth only came out later. To the rest of the world everything appeared normal, though. As a family we were involved in church activities and did a lot of socializing. I was a stay-at-home-mum and kept myself busy with my hobbies and children. But boredom struck, I defrauded a doctor’s letter, got my hands on morphine and was actually proud of the fact that I got away with it. During those times my daughters had to take care of themselves in the afternoon. Anja had to take care of Heike while I was asleep. I thought I was hiding my addiction quite well.

2003 began with a lot of responsibilities. When I couldn’t handle it, I drank uppers containing ephedrine to keep me going, and 4-6 tranquilisers in the afternoon with some sleeping pills to go to sleep. I stole from friends and family as I needed more drugs. In March 2003 I hit rock bottom by drinking 20 sleeping pills and 10 tranquilisers with a glass of whiskey. Blacking out, I embarrassed my family in front of family and friends – it was my husband’s birthday. Turning into someone completely different I went through purses and handbags looking for pills and money. Anja fled to her room, shocked, embarrassed and in tears. This was the worst anyone have ever seen me, especially my daughters. The shame, anger and despair in my husband’s eyes did not really strike me until later. With a drip in my arm in hospital the shame and guilt took over. My then GP confronted me and, as there were children involved, he handed my case over to child welfare. I had a choice: either go for treatment or loose my family. When my husband brought up divorce, fear and desperation set in. We decided on a rehabilitation center in Kommetjie.

At that stage I was only vaguely aware of the consequences and damages but nothing had sunk in. I knew my addiction influenced everyone around me but how much I would only come to know later. My own family felt helpless, despaired, guilty and very angry – they had to watch me self distruct. Only when I went to this rehab and started working the program, had my addiction and addict behavior become clear to me. My addict behavior started at the age of 9 but I only started using at the age of 22. First out of necessity which turned into full blown addiction. As it progressed I started withdrawing and missed important events in my children’s lives. Family values and beliefs were not important or relevant. At times I verbally abused my husband and children and had terrible mood swings. My frustration and anger I took out on Stephan. I became negative, paranoid, disoriented, anxious and picked fights, to use as an excuse to use. I blamed others for my addiction and circumstances. I disappointed and embarrassed and hurt the rest of our families and friends and broke any relationship of trust with most of my loved ones. The deepest damage was done to my husband, children and myself. They never knew in what state I would be at any given time and were living on eggshells. My kids never brought friends home out of fear of what might happen. Unfortunately my support system enabled me to stay addicted. Everyone was always ready to help out and I abused those relationships. I totally abused my husband’s love and trust and knew I was going to have to work hard to win back everyone’s trust and love. I was willing to do anything, no matter what, to get my life back.

Once I admitted to my total powerlessness over my addiction and just how unmanageable everything in my life had become, I could start working the whole of the program. Reconnecting with my God and surrendering to Him helped me move forward and when I left rehab in April 2003 I was clean, sober and a lot of change had taken place. I was ready to work this program and use my newly given tools and skills and apply them one day at a time. I had worked through my resentments and anger towards myself, my molesters, doctors and people who had hurt me through the years. I had also forgiven myself and them as I started with the healing process.

Relapse… When I left rehab in April 2003 I was clean and a recovering addict. I worked the program thoroughly by attending meetings, doing the step work, using the Serenity Prayer as often as I could and reading the literature. Through the step work and my faith in God, my Higher Power, I surrendered my life and will and kept on working. One big mistake I did make, was not getting a sponsor from the beginning and I am paying the price for it. As boredom is one of my triggers I became a casual (at the age of 36) at the Lux Verbi bookshop in the Somerset Mall. In August 2004 I became manager of the shop working from 8am-7pm. Through this time I kept on going to meetings and working the steps. Books, music, people and God are some of my passions and I could not have asked for a better job. Because of my hours I started slowly to miss out on some of my meetings. Life was busy but I really coped by using the tools like HALT, daily connecting with God and reading the literature. In May 2005 I realized the shop might be closing down and I resigned. Back at home I started making cards for craft shops while my kids kept me busy with their activities in the afternoons. In September 2005 we took a bus filled with teenagers on a mission trip to the Eastern Cape – the third time that we did this. Life was a blessing. During this time I attended meetings occasionally, did not do the step work or readings and build on my relationship with God. 2006 kicked off with Anja going to high school and me baking for a coffee shop. September 2006 I ended up in hospital with meningitis. My charts stated clearly NO PETHIDINE or CODEINE but after the lumbar punction I received a pethidine injection – that one too many.

Already in hospital I started to contemplate the thought whether I could handle using again. I managed to stay clean until Christmas but did not work any of the program. My addict behavior had kicked in. My husband was offered a job at a private company and we were all quite excited. Then came Christmas 2006 at my brother-in-law’s place in Worcester. Conflict between some family members made me withdraw. As I was looking for plasters for plasters in the medicine cupboard I found sleeping pills and in a split second took all five. Needless to say I slept through Christmas Day to avoid any conflict. In five days I fell into total relapse and started using again. Reality kicked in, and with my husband starting the new job I realized I needed help urgently and found myself in hospital on the 2nd of January 2007. It had a devastating effect on my family. I couldn’t take care of my children and Stephan had to leave for Mozambique. The girls had to stay with my sister. Anja refused to speak to me or visit me at all. Heike did visit me at the end but was withdrawn and terribly confused. Once again they suffered through my broken promises. They were ashamed, angry, disappointed and was becoming indifferent. Back home the whole healing process had to start all over again and I knew I had to stay clean for everyone’s sake but still didn’t go back to the basics. Staying clean was a constant struggle as I truly became complacent and arrogant about my addiction. The step work was long forgotten and attending a meeting didn’t even cross my mind. As Stephan’s job came with a lot of responsibilities and his hours were longer than before I had to take responsibility for what was going on at home. I still baked for the coffee shop, even catered at times and kept busy. Slowly but surely my addict behavior came back in my life, I would obsess about trivial things like someone making comments why my house is always in chaos. My all or nothing attitude returned with no grey areas in between. I started to reason with myself emotionally why I cannot use, just when I might “need” it. Once or twice it did cross my mind to attend a meeting which I shrugged off as unnecessary. In June 2007 my husband and I was flown to Johannesburg for a formal function as the company was listed on the Altx. That night at the function I drank quite a few drinks but I could “handle” it, or so I thought. As I didn’t have a drink for a very long time, I woke up with quite a headache and needed pills to get over it. I took a couple of painkillers, which had no effect, and soon had to take more. On our way to friends in Mpumalanga I bought another packet and one day later it was finished. I started using without having any reason at all. During the course of that year I used on and off, and by December codeine was once more the master of my universe. All the time I was justifying my behavior, thinking that I am in control.

In December I was invited to open a coffee shop on a small holding near Sir Lowry’s Pass village. It was a lovely setting and a lifelong dream. “Cupcakes and Roses” was born and by keeping busy, it prevented me from using. I had full responsibility and was baking and servicing, entertaining and connecting with people. We left on holiday after Christmas and while on holiday with my family I did not use at all. We spent an amazing time on the South Coast and was ready for 2008. Stephan was back at the job, the kids were now both in high school and I poured myself into the coffee shop. On the 23rd of January I went by my usual business when my landlady decided to close the coffee shop. I packed up without argument and left the shop behind. Back home I was preoccupied on what I did wrong. I was feeling guilty for something I really had no control over. The coffee shop was a success yet somehow something went wrong. I felt ashamed to phone customers and not being able to explain really why. Feelings of self pity and rejection was the order of the day. I tried to keep myself busy with baking and my other hobbies but my mind was taking another route. I took painkillers for no reason, at least 10 daily.

During March 2008 my husband was retrenched out of the blue and it felt like our world came to an halt. Suddenly new feelings came up – insecurity, anxiety, anger, frustration and vulnerability. I really couldn’t handle the fact that something like this could happen to him. Once more I got stuck while he moved on. I became ill with laryngitis, visited my doctor and walked out of the consultation rooms with antibiotics, painkillers, tranquilizers and sleeping pills to help me cope, and a pethidine injection. I could handle it, so I reasoned, catastriphising it and making a molehill out of a mountain. My relapse was in full motion. Soon I found myself needing more quicker and started doing my old rounds of doctor and pharmacy hopping, planning exactly when I can go where to ensure I always have enough. This included drinking over the counter painkillers. During the Easter holidays we went on a short holiday to get our minds off everything and I managed to stay clean. Back at home I was suddenly faced with boredom as my husband took over a lot of my responsibilities, like shopping, picking up the kids from school etc. As I was already in relapse my mind was working overtime and I started using seriously. May was the beginning of the end. Anja had a vocal ensemble competition/examination I was meant to attend. I was too drugged, pretended the flu once more and stayed at home. It disappointed her deeply as singing is a passion for both of us. On a visit to my sister-in-law I had bronchitis, another excuse for using. I had my own cocktail mix of pills but went ahead and stole their sleeping pills while having a blackout from my own mix. On our way home I realised I forgot my purse and went into a panic. When they did discover it my husband and family realised I was seriously using again.

During the week we prayed earnestly to God for an intervention as Stephan and I had to cater for our church’s youth camp. Someone was watching over me as I cleaned up without withdrawals and had an amazing weekend as I could be of service to others. As a few of the teenagers attending also was in active addiction, we could relate and talking to them meant a great deal to all of us. Back home boredom struck again and I had a pethidine injection for a mere migraine. I picked up some tranquilizers and sleeping pills from two different pharmacies and went to pick up the kids. Parking at the school I realized I shouldn’t actually drive but hid behind my sunglasses. Anja immediately picked up on me as I was driving too fast and nearly ran a red light. I could see the fear and shame in her eyes as a friend of hers was with us. It made me feel like an utter failure yet I had no more control over it. The weekend of the 24th of May we went on a camp with our church council of which Stephan is a member. All I had to do is to support my husband but I rather took my pills and went to sleep. When I did join the group for lunch or dinner or a family session, my speech was slurred, my eyes were red and I made no sense. I embarrassed and humiliated my husband and daughter in front of people we really cared for. This was once again a rock bottom for me. I was back at square one. On our return on that Sunday my husband had an emotional breakdown and my kids didn’t want to speak to me. They were once more deeply disappointed and experienced broken promises again. When I used I become very negative, aggressive, abusive and disoriented. I was given an ultimatum of either go to hospital and start working the program or I am out on the street. Stephan stressed the point that right then no one would take me in – no one. When I realized the truth of that, of what I had done once more, I was taken to the Strand Day Hospital to start the detox.

Through my psychiatrist and psychologist I knew I needed serious help. We contacted the rehab and I started the relapse programme on the 5th of June. Walking back through those doors I felt embarrassed and relieved at the same time. I was a failure once more and was angry at myself because of what I was putting my family through once again. Through this relapse I realized that I could not do this by myself. That I am honestly and truly powerless over my addiction and can not control anything. There is a Power greater than me and I needed to surrender everything to Him. I needed the 12 step program, I had to work it to the best of my ability. I had to make it my lifestyle for the rest of my life. I stood a 100% chance to loose everything I hold dearly and that was no idle threat. When I left rehab on the 16th of June I was ready to carry on with the program by attending the Narcotics Anonymous meetings weekly. I identified my high risk situations and made sure I had all the literature I needed to do the step work and keep me motivated. I worked through the anger and rejection I experienced Through my God I realized I easily became codependent on others. I needed to forgive Stephan’s boss who retrenched him. I had to put the past behind me and stay in the moment. I really thought I had everything waxed and this time was going to be different. It was - for a short time. My sister-in-law and I attended a drama on a farm close to Stellenbosch in August. On our way back we were involved in a collision which could have killed us both but we miraculously survived. We had no injuries at all while my car was a write off. I took some painkillers and tranquilizers for the shock, and everything started all over again.

This time the relapse was fierce and very quick. Stephan finally started a new job at the beginning of September and I had to pick up my responsibilities. Suddenly everything was too much and I looked for solace in my using. I once more excused myself, justifying my use and thinking that I was getting away with it. I was only fooling myself. On the 17th of October I was arrested in a pharmacy for forging a script. I was taken to the local police station and held in the cells for a whole day. Stephan had to bail me out and I was taken to hospital for my own safety. Never in my life I thought that I would end up in jail. As I lay on that cold cement bed on a thin mattress I realized that this was it. I felt like dying and I think at a stage I actually asked God to rather let me die than have to face the consequences of what I have done. But actually I was relieved that I was caught out. There is something very dark and sinister when a jail door closes behind you. The smell made me want to vomit and I felt like a hardened criminal. Right now I have a pending court date set for final trial on the 5th of May.

Since my release I have been working the program faithfully, something I should have done a long time ago. I surrendered my self-will completely to God and I finally realized that this was it. I am not getting another chance. The hurt and pain I caused my family is indescribable. My daughters broke down and my husband was very close to it. This time I really stand to lose everything and everyone. I have to do this first of all for myself. No rehab center can make the decision for me. If I do not make that serious mind switch, if I do not decide for myself, there will not be a next time. Next time I’ll be dead. What is amazing through it all, is that I realized for the first time in my life that I really can not do this on my own. I need God. I really need God. He is the only one that can really get met through this and face the world. No one else can make the decision for me. Looking back I have realized that God had never let me go. I gave my heart to Him when I was 15 years old and He has always been there for me. Through the darkest of times, times when I should have been dead, He kept His promise to me and protected me, took care of me, loved me unconditionally. He gave His only Son, my brother, and sacrificed Him for my sins. He forgave me and cleaned my slate, cleansed my soul and gave me a new zest for life, for my awesome family, for Him.

So many times I have asked Him to heal me, to take this away from me. In my foolishness I often asked Him to rather let me die but somehow He decided differently. Today I am truly grateful that I am still alive, that I can give all honor and glory to Him, that I can tell this story because of Him. My addiction hasn’t been taken away from me. It is my cross to bear and I can do it through Christ who gives me the strength. When I wake up in the morning I surrender the day and everything in it to God – that is my first step, the one thing that gets me through one day at a time. Everything is not going to change overnight – I still need to face the consequences of my behavior. But today I can do it because of love. My family is simply amazing. My husband and I have a Godly relationship. He is a man who loves unconditionally and will do anything to protect his family. Even if it meant leaving me. If it would ever come to this I know that it would be out of love and protection. Therefore I have so much reason to surrender to God everyday. Only He can and will guide my steps. Only He is my strength, always, especially when I am weak. Our children are two beautiful teenage girls going through their own motions. They had experience things which I do not wish upon any child but through the grace of God we are working through this all together. It isn’t an easy road and there are times when we all wonder if it’s worth it. But out of this is coming such a strong testimony for God, our Creator, that we all follow Him with all of our bodies and souls and hearts.

This is my story so far. Thanks for listening, reading.

May God bless you today, tomorrow – everyday!
“…for when I am weak [in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful in divine strength)” (II Corinthians 12:10, AMP).