My child did not come with a manual

When we were young children we thought our parents were super human.  Their word was like the word of God.  They could do nothing wrong and we felt so safe in their arms.  This picture of cause changed as we became teenagers.  Suddenly nothing mom or dad said was “cool” anymore.  In fact they were so uncool we didn’t want to be seen with them when they dropped us off at school.

This changed somewhat as we entered adulthood and somehow they gained some of the respect that was lost, but only for a while.  Thereafter in facing the grown-up world we had to cope with the responsibilities of adulthood and we realized that life was not the fairy tale we thought it would be, or we felt ill-equipped to deal with the realities of life.  We started to blame our parents and tried to discover what they did wrong.  With all the pop psychology around we found enough evidence to proof our point:  “They did not do a good job when it came to raising us!”

Of cause the wheel turns when we become parents and suddenly mom and dad knew more than we thought.  When our kids present us with daily challenges we find ourselves saying to the child:  “I’m sure I lost the manual that came with you.  Cause you truly do not operate (or function) the way I anticipated.”  But looking for that manual is not in written or printed form.  It does exist though.  The manual is right in front of you!  Your child is the manual.  It has a heartbeat.  It speaks and it runs around.

But looking at your two or three children you will see two or three different manuals.  The one’s “mute button” is not situated where the other’s is.  The “stop” button also works differently in the case of both your children.  But we have to consult the manual for that specific child when we are dealing with him.   The manual is read with much care and effort and much of it is written “between the lines.  It also has to be studied over years.  And just when you think you got the hang of it, the rules change and you have to change your approach.  That’s the beauty of being human and being a parent. 

So how do we consult the manual?  We listen.  We observe.  We try and see what works.  We listen to other parents and try out what they try.  And we adjust.  And we try a complete new method with what our child teaches us works best for him.  One can make a huge mess with raising a kid when one disregards the manual and put all one’s own expectations, fears and resentment on the child.  If one exposes him to all the sports one thinks he should do, and if one keeps him away from all the things that one dislikes, or if one scolds him for not wearing a jersey when one is cold, disregarding his own warm body.  Then we will make a mess as a parent.  But listening to my child takes time.  Expecting certain things from him according to my own reference is much less time consuming.  And life CAN be so busy. 

In my former articles for PlanetParent I talked about non-directive play and how parents can use play to understand their child better and build a stronger relationship.  Non-directive play is a tool used with kids between 2 and 12 years old. It is used by psychologists, and parents can use it too (filial therapy).  One skill used in non-directive play is called tracking.  This skill is however used in the time set aside by the parent to be with his child as he plays. 

With the toys set out, the parent let the child take the lead.  As the child goes about his/her actions the parent makes a running commentary of what the child is doing WITHOUT criticizing in any way.  One would say something like: “You are now filling that bucket with sand.  And you make sure that its covers the bucked to the brim (that is if the child is doing it).”  Or “You decided that you want to play cowboys and crooks now and I must be the crook (if he requested you to).” 

Never in the play do you prescribe to the child what he should do, or show him a better way.  You just follow and reflect to the child what he is doing.  Of cause this is only possible if the child is playing within the limits of the play rules.  See my former article on setting boundaries.

Part of the tracking is to say things that promote the child’s confidence.  “You did that just the way you wanted” and “You managed to cut out the picture all by yourself”.  As you comment on what the child is doing, you convey to the child that you see and hear what he is doing.  He gets the message that what he is doing is important and it counts.  He realizes that he has value.

The parent also reflects the child’s feelings without judgment.  In the play the parent can say:  “You are very angry because that lion ate the girl, and you decided to teach him a lesson by hitting him over the head with the hammer”, or “You are really scared the ‘goggos’ will come and get you so you decided to bury them in the sand and put the bucket over them.”  In reflecting your child’s emotions without judgment and prescription, your child feels safe to express his feelings and consequently finds a solution.  How will he find a solution?  By letting your child play and you being there tracking what he does.

Tracking in non-directive play is one of the skills we can use as parents and so “read” our manual.  As they play they open windows to their souls and we can learn how to understand and help them better.  Let’s consult those manuals for it will make our lives easier and our children’s too. 

Frederick is part of our expert panel and would be happy to answer any questions regarding play therapy.