Your partner

It has been just over ten years since I have met the man that I was meant to marry. I knew that I have found him even before I set eyes on him. Just the sound of his voice made me think of all my favourite things; and as in the Sound of Music - I was ready to meet my destiny.

It took me a month to get him to take me on a date. Another before we kissed, and many more before we could say that we were in a committed relationship. In this time I was unwavering I knew it was just a matter of time before he would know it too and we would be able to spend the rest of our lives together.

Just before a year passed, I sensed that he had cooled. I asked him about this once things were back to “normal”, he confirmed that he was not always as focussed as I was, and that my body was not picture perfect, but that he was committed to me and to making this work out.

Two years passed he proposed, not the way I pictured, but he did, I said yes. As the ring was still a work in progress, we had to wait three months before it was “official”. Once the ring arrived, my friends wanted to have a get together to mark this auspicious occasion. My then fiancé was asked for a speech. Him being a man of few words relented after being forced, uttered something to the extend of: “for as long as it last”; and another part of his speech when asked when we were going to get married was that “we wanted to make sure...”  My night was shattered; I was so sure that he was the one, and now it transpired that he might not be so sure.

The next day I got in my car and drove away, I cried most of the day while driving up the West Coast; trying to think what I can do more to prove myself to him. The fact that the birth control I took since we started sleeping together made me put on 30 kilo's were not helping me. After a day of driving, I got home late that evening. Eyes swollen, heart broken, we talked; I stayed. Two years later we got married.

During this two years things have changed, I changed, as if wanting to tempt fate and to ensure a self fulfilling prophecy I became someone else. Stressed, worried, overbearing, unhappy. I don't think I was a great partner. Regardless of this we made it to the wedding and got married. Although I know now in hindsight that I changed, we were still happy, and we were still together.

The night of our wedding my husband, walked me to our room, and then went back to party some more with my two friends. I was pushed, and I got into bed. I did not wake up when he came to bed, and due to a number of reasons we only consummated the marriage four days later. This would become a common thread in our marriage, where there was always something else more important to do.

There were also other things we did not agree on, I wanted children my spouse wanted to wait, he wanted to deal with over population, famine and global warming. Solve the world's problems; make it a better place, before we could have a child. I always wanted children. In the end we made a choice by not making a choice and just let nature take it's course.

I got pregnant four years later. My pregnancy was a nightmare for me; I wanted this child so badly, and felt that against all odds it has been given to me. I was paranoid, checking panties for blood, my hormones were sky-high, my back ached, my feet were swollen, and I had the public relations skills of a bull in a china shop. I was tense, and felt that my husband was not really supporting me during my pregnancy. All he knew about what was going on was what I read to him, and this only happened at my insistence it felt.

We went to ante-natal classes because, I thought it would make him more part of the experience. I don't think it did... By the time I was in labour my back was so sore that he could not come near me.  I spend a day shouting orders for water in the bath, water out of the bath, something to drink... he ran around. When I told him I could go no more, he was on the phone with the hospital when my water broke. Rushing to hospital he was trying to complete the admin, when the sister determined that I was 8cm dilated and going to have the baby sooner than expected.

He came back in time and a bit flustered to find me in the delivery room, he did not say much during the birth. He did tell me that I should not be self concious and that I look beautiful, looking back tonight I can think that this was his way of telling me that he loved me, and loved me for bearing his child and giving birth to her. At the stage in the delivery room, I thought that he should rather keep his mouth shut. I never told him this, as I do not want to hurt him, but I do feel that I need to unburden it all...

Since the birth of our daughter he has been an amazing father. I could not have asked for a better partner to have a child with, but this is just the problem. I have removed myself from wanting him, I have removed myself from possible being hurt by not being pretty enough or beautiful enough, from not being what he wanted in the first place. I have for the past six year been walking around with the idea that I am not good enough for him, and because of that he can't want me... because I believed this I became remote and removed from him.  

None of this was done knowingly, it all happened in my subconscious, I went off sex completely, I just could not bring myself to it. Through all this my husband stayed strong, he was there for me, he  supported me, he held me, he loved me. He made sacrifices; he tried his best and more. I was cold and always quick to point out his short-falls.

I have been a terrible partner and there are lots of things that I can say in my defence, but all of these would not negate the blame, it does not change the outcome. I have been punishing my husband for a terrible slip of the tongue years ago and for honesty. I have tested him beyond any reasonable limits, yet he has stayed firm, he has stayed caring. I have always been quick to preach that it is not about finding the perfect partner it is about being the perfect partner; yet I have not lived up to this at all.

I have had all sorts of physical manifestations of my unhappiness, yet I have laid most of the blame elsewhere. Yes my husband hurt me, yes it was unthinkable to have said that, but he has asked me to forgive and forget; yet to this day I can still see it, I can still hear it, etched in my mind, it is always at hand for a replay. I also have had eight years with this man, which has been such a pessimist, for us ever making it to a wedding. I need to let go, I need to surrender, I need to forgive, and move on.

Life does not always work according to the script you had in mind. Sometimes you are hurt by the people you most love, yet you can't make them pay for that for the rest of their lives. You can not not trust them with your heart and soul if that is what you have promised to do.