A change of course

Divorce is a complex process. It causes pain to all concerned. As a divorced person and single mom of two I am acutely aware of the turmoil in families who are going through a separation/divorce. There is no easy way to manage this journey. There are no easy answers and you will have to face pain in some decisions that need to be made.

However, it is the children who must be your chief concern. They need parents - not necessarily married parents, just a Mom and a Dad who they can trust.

Divorce has become a norm, yet a good divorce is rare and it has been reported that at least 60% of the population has been divorced at least once! The troubled road to a separation is therefore no longer unmapped. We have now the possibility to learn from past mistakes and do better, for our sake and for our children's sake. Fifty percent of all children experience parental separation or divorce by the time they reach the age of eighteen.

Changes can be hard to face though as we are letting go of familiarity even if what is familiar causes us hurt. However, letting go is not about running away or forgetting events, letting go is about making a decision to leave the past in the past. To face it, accept it and then move forward while preserving the lesson. We have to let go of the past in order to accept the future. It is about having an open mind and confidence in the future, and gradually moving towards acceptance of the loss and change.

Emotions experienced in a breakup can be very conflicting and adopting new ways and new habits can therefore be very challenging. For this you need to develop a compassionate mind.

To develop a compassionate mind you must make a commitment to a different way of thinking. Whenever you find yourself thinking negatively, ask yourself these questions to promote an understanding of the problematic behaviour.

1. What need was I trying to meet?
Think about it. Were you trying to feel more secure, more in control, less anxious, less guilty? Take your time with your answer.

2. What was I thinking at the time?
What were your beliefs about the situation? How were you interpreting things? What did you assume to be true?

3. What kind of pain, hurt, or other feelings was influencing me?
Think about the emotional context of the event.

When you have answers to these questions and know the needs, thoughts, and feelings that influenced you, it’s time to accept and forgive yourself for who you were at that moment in time.

Next come three statement to remind you self that you can accept the person you were at the time without blame or judgment, no matter how unfortunate your choice were.

1. I wish this hadn’t happened, but it was merely an attempt to meet my needs.
2. I accept myself without judgment or feeling of wrongness for my attempt.
3. No matter how unfortunate my decision, I accept myself as someone who like all of us, was trying to survive.

Really try to feel these statements. Allow them to sink in. Finally, two statements suggest that the slate can be wiped clean, that it is time to forgive yourself and let it go.
1. I owe no debt for this mistake.
2. It’s over, I can forgive myself and let it go.